eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
