He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
