i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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