I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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