Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
