I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
