Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I have post one night stand depression
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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