I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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