I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
