A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
