Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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