Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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