I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
