the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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