If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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