at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
