the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
What drink are we having for lunch?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
