He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I didn't shave. On purpose
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My vagina is officially offended.
I have aggressive nipples.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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