Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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