I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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