Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Randomize
