Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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