He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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