I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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