Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
