Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
