I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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