It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
