I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
