I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
