Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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