First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
