It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
