So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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