So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
