The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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