that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
