the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Success! We fucked roommates!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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