happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
