I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
