I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize