I accidentally had phone sex last night
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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