I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
