What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
