Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My cat gives me a boner
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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