What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
