I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
