I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I think my moral compass just broke
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
