Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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