3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
