mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
