Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She even gives head with a lisp.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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