Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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