I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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