a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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