Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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