When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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