Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
