remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
