you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
