Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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